Category Archives: On My Heart

Irrational Fears and Pregnancy Dreams.

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Outside it was just like any other drizzly Oregon spring day. All loaded up in my dad’s white truck, we were headed out for a family fishing trip. Andy was driving. I was in the passenger seat. Rylee behind me buckled safely in her car seat, snoozing away.

For whatever reason, we decided to drive along the creek to our desired fishing spot. Being early spring, the water was high and fast…more like a river than the creek we were used to. The moss on the rocks along the creek bed, glistening in the sunny mist of the morning made for a beautiful, peaceful drive.

It all happened so suddenly. The back end of the truck slipped on some moss and before we knew it we were upside down in the water. Adrenaline took over and in less than a second I was in the back seat trying to unbuckle my sleeping girl.

My fingers wouldn’t work. I couldn’t get the chest buckle undone. I looked to the front seat, my eyes flashed with fear to Andy.

As I continued to struggle, the windows of the truck started to crack under the pressure of the water. Freezing, brown water came rushing in the cab and I knew it was over…

My eyes flew open and my breathing was heavy. I sat up on my elbows. Phew…just a dream. I must have been stirring in my sleep because as soon as I sat up Andy asked if everything was all right.

Just a bad dream, I said.

It was all I could do not to rush straight into Rylee’s room right then and there, scoop her up and not let her go for the rest of the night.

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, but I’ve never had a dream like this. Taking my two worst fears, drowning and something awful happening to my baby, and stirring them together.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m afraid of drowning. It’s completely irrational considering I know how to swim, I can tread water and I love being out on the water…on a boat, on the bank…fishing, kayaking, sunbathing.

I tried to calm my racing heart and get back to sleep. Nothing worked.

I tossed and turned for the next 30 minutes.

When Ry ended up at the side of our bed, I leapt at the opportunity to take her back to bed. I snuggled her close, resting my cheek against the top of her head.

Once her breathing grew heavy, my breathing slowed.

As she melted up against me, I melted into the bed and was finally able to sleep again.

On My Heart: Being Gay

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I don’t mean that I’m gay, because I’m not. I’m actually talking about you being gay. Hypothetically, of course. Unless you are, because then that wouldn’t be hypothetical, now would it?

Either way, my point is this: I don’t care.

I don’t care if you’re gay. Whether you are attracted to men or women has absolutely no bearing on my feelings toward you. If you’re a good person and if we have things in common, that’s much more important to me that your sexual preference. If we were friends and I loved you before I knew you were gay, I’m going to love you after that and I’m still going to be your friend. Period.

Now this doesn’t mean I want to see you making out with your partner on the street corner, but I’ll be honest, I don’t want to see anyone doing that, no matter who their partner is…just like you probably don’t want to see me making out with my husband.

I recently saw this floating around the internet:

“Hate is FAR more of a choice than homosexuality ever will be.”

I couldn’t agree more. I read this and instantly thought “YES! EXACTLY THIS!”

These days it seems like there’s never enough hours in the day and people are always tired and running on fumes. So, why do we need to waste any of our precious energy on hating someone because of something they have no control over, that doesn’t effect you in the least bit? I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t make sense to me.

If you come at me with some sort of “the bible says it’s wrong” crap, I happen to know the bible also says we need to love others as we love  ourselves (Mark12:31). I was not put on this Earth to cast judgement on others for something as seemingly irrelevant as whether you’re attracted to men or to women.

What would happen if your kid came to you and said they were gay? Are you going to hate them? I mean, are you really going to love them one day, then hear them say the words “I’m gay” and do a complete 180 the next? Don’t you think your child should have the right to love whomever their heart tells them to?

I don’t like confrontation. I like to play it safe. I like to look at/hear all sides of a story. I rarely take sides. Or, if I do take a side, I’m not one to come out and tell you. I mean really, the name of this little blog is “Somewhere in the Middle” and that applies to so many things in my life. But when it comes to being mean, or cruel, or just downright hateful to another human being just because of their sexual preference? Well, that’s one thing where I’m not “Somewhere In the Middle”.

On My Heart: Being Pregnant After a Miscarriage

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The conversation goes something like this:

“You’re expecting!? That’s great news, congratulations! When are you due? You guys must be so excited!”

“Thanks. Due at the end of July. Yea…we’re excited!”

But, in my head, I’m having an entirely different conversation. One that has a response something along the lines of “thanks, we’re finally excited” or “thanks, we’re starting to get excited” but that would just leave an awkward moment in the conversation, now wouldn’t it? You see, it’s not that I’m not excited to be having a baby, it’s just that after my miscarriage back in September, I’m excited but…apprehensive.

In August when we found out we were expecting we were on top of the world! It was our first month of “trying” and we couldn’t wait to tell our family and close friends. We told Rylee, we talked about it a lot, I browsed maternity clothes online…we had the excitement like we were pregnant with our first all over again.

A month went by, then all of a sudden…I wasn’t pregnant anymore. And I was OK with it. I knew everything happened the was it did for a reason and we went about our business.

So, in November when, on a whim I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive, I was…shocked. So soon? Awesome! Oh…wait…I remember what happened last time…

It’s the reason Andy & I didn’t even speak of it with eachother for nearly the first entire month.

It’s the reason we decided to wait until I was 10 weeks along to tell anyone, including my best friend.

It’s the reason I just about had an emotional breakdown one afternoon because I didn’t know if I could handle it again.

It’s the reason I all but panicked when my OB took what I thought was too  long to find a heartbeat at my 12 week appointment.

It’s the reason I was questioning whether everything was “ok” just because I wasn’t showing as early as I thought I should with my second child.

It’s the reason when I went more than a day without feeling nauseous I automatically though something was wrong.

I had no idea how that miscarriage back in September would effect me this time around. It was definitely something I wasn’t prepared for, but slowly but surely we’re passing little milestones and I can feel my apprehension wane and my excitement build. The little flutters I’m feeling ever-so-faintly are my latest reminder that everything is going as it should and I can’t help but smile.

Who knows, the apprehension might be something I won’t be able to fully kick until I’m holding this sweet little baby in my arms, but I’m happy I can say now without hesitation that I am excited!