On My Heart: Being Pregnant After a Miscarriage

The conversation goes something like this:

“You’re expecting!? That’s great news, congratulations! When are you due? You guys must be so excited!”

“Thanks. Due at the end of July. Yea…we’re excited!”

But, in my head, I’m having an entirely different conversation. One that has a response something along the lines of “thanks, we’re finally excited” or “thanks, we’re starting to get excited” but that would just leave an awkward moment in the conversation, now wouldn’t it? You see, it’s not that I’m not excited to be having a baby, it’s just that after my miscarriage back in September, I’m excited but…apprehensive.

In August when we found out we were expecting we were on top of the world! It was our first month of “trying” and we couldn’t wait to tell our family and close friends. We told Rylee, we talked about it a lot, I browsed maternity clothes online…we had the excitement like we were pregnant with our first all over again.

A month went by, then all of a sudden…I wasn’t pregnant anymore. And I was OK with it. I knew everything happened the was it did for a reason and we went about our business.

So, in November when, on a whim I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive, I was…shocked. So soon? Awesome! Oh…wait…I remember what happened last time…

It’s the reason Andy & I didn’t even speak of it with eachother for nearly the first entire month.

It’s the reason we decided to wait until I was 10 weeks along to tell anyone, including my best friend.

It’s the reason I just about had an emotional breakdown one afternoon because I didn’t know if I could handle it again.

It’s the reason I all but panicked when my OB took what I thought was too  long to find a heartbeat at my 12 week appointment.

It’s the reason I was questioning whether everything was “ok” just because I wasn’t showing as early as I thought I should with my second child.

It’s the reason when I went more than a day without feeling nauseous I automatically though something was wrong.

I had no idea how that miscarriage back in September would effect me this time around. It was definitely something I wasn’t prepared for, but slowly but surely we’re passing little milestones and I can feel my apprehension wane and my excitement build. The little flutters I’m feeling ever-so-faintly are my latest reminder that everything is going as it should and I can’t help but smile.

Who knows, the apprehension might be something I won’t be able to fully kick until I’m holding this sweet little baby in my arms, but I’m happy I can say now without hesitation that I am excited!

15 thoughts on “On My Heart: Being Pregnant After a Miscarriage

  1. Brandy

    It will get better. After my first MC, I was the same way. I borrowed a fetal heart monitor from a friend and used it every day until he started kicking constantly. Then another MC went by…different circumstances. Now? Still a little paranoid but better. I did borrow the monitor back again but not an every day thing. I FEEL like I did before so that makes me feel better overall. I also know worrying myself to death and walking on eggshells isn't what saves a pregnancy…so I just keep trudging along.

    But it gets better. I promise.

    Reply
  2. Tiffany/Snarky Momma

    I've been there. Oh BOY have I been there. Em was born after I had a blighted ovum followed by an tubal ectopic (it's a wonder I didn't die somewhere in there) and then a chemical pregnancy. The doctor assured me that it was all just bad luck and next time chances would be in our favor. True, but I'll never forget how at that 10-week appointment how the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat because Em was tucked way back. Had to pull out the ultrasound machine. I was so relieved I was speechless. We didn't tell anyone until I was well into my fourth month. Even then it was such a *different* pregnancy than the one with my son. She was much more laid-back in utero so I was so paranoid. I didn't chill out until she was born.

    You never know how much you want a baby until something goes sideways.

    Reply
    1. Lilmissrysmama Post author

      It's so true, you really don't realize how much you want that baby until it's all of a sudden not there. And I know exactly what you mean about being so relieved you were speechless. I was the same way.

      Reply
  3. Misty

    I'm excited for you, Katherine, and praying that everything goes well with this little one. I've never been through this, but I have a close friend who recently suffered a miscarriage, and I think she will be glad to know she's not alone when she is pregnant again.

    Reply
    1. Lilmissrysmama Post author

      Thanks Misty, and seriously, the prayers are so, so appreciated. Feel free to let your friend know where to find me if she finds herself in this same place. Having my e-friends who've been through the same thing has been so helpful.

      Reply
  4. ann @ mylifeasprose.

    such a great post. i'm currently preg with my first, but in the past 2 or so years, i've had more close friends miscarry than bring a baby to term. and on top of that, my best friend had her son at 24 weeks (he's doing GREAT! and is now a happy, healthy, rambunctious two yr old). so when i got pregnant, i held my breath. i held it for a long time … in between appointments … on days when i started to get over the nausea … basically exactly what you describe. it's really hard when you've seen how bad things can go, and how vulnerable you might be to them, to not get a little nervous … or to hold on to the anxiety a little longer than maybe you should.

    anyway, i just wanted to say–me too, friend. me too.

    Reply
  5. Sarah Cohen

    As you can already see, you are now alone. Your story is my story. Your fears were my fears. Notice the past tense: our little girl turned one last month and is everything we dreamed. Be confident in your body, in your marriage, and in your future. Good things are coming.

    Reply
  6. Gaby

    Wow Kat! I didn't know. That's really hard. Your post reminds me of what we weren't too thrilled at "Congratulations" when our bundles came early. I'm glad you are getting excited and things are going well!

    Reply

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