Pregnancy with a Side of Guilt

by katherine on April 22, 2014

Finding out that you are unexpectedly pregnant when you’ve already decided you’re done is markedly different that unexpectedly getting pregnant with your first baby a year ahead of your desired timeline. It does weird things to your psyche.

Shouldn’t I be excited? Aren’t all babies supposed to be considered a blessing? Doesn’t this mean it was meant to be?

But, I wasn’t excited. Or even a little bit happy. I was convinced we were being punished for something… What lesson is God trying to teach us right now? Very funny God…you can make this joke stop any time now. Maybe if we don’t talk about it or tell anyone it will just go away…or I’ll just wake up from this bad dream?

Guilt.

And what about the girls? Rylee will have to start all over again. Will she resent me as she gets older? Will this baby hold her back from being able to do things? That’s not fair to her. And poor Reese…I had so much one-on-one time with Rylee when she was little, I was looking forward to having that time with Reese. Now it will have to be shared.

Guilt.

On top of that, I couldn’t help but think of my friends battling/struggling/coping with infertility. Here I am getting unexpectedly pregnant and just wanting it to be a bad dream while they’re living the opposite nightmare every day.

Guilt.

Then of course I felt awful for not feeling excited. Needless to say I was not in a good place those first few weeks. So many tears. The guilt was all consuming.

Thankfully the guilt surrounding everything has gone away. The excitement is building. And I know we’ll be just fine.

Little one…you need to know that just because you weren’t in our plans, you are meant to be and I am looking forward to having you in our family. xo, Mama

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Karey April 22, 2014 at 6:22 pm

Oh Katherine, I so had all those feelings when we found out about both Jack and Fischer. Even though the "ugh" feelings will still linger, they'll get less and less as the pregnancy goes on and you get used to the idea (looks like that's already happening a bit). I was excited to *finally* just be ME and maybe start working or going back to school or FINALLY get to adopt and WHAM – baby. Again. BUT, as time has gone on I just can't imagine our family without those babies and I know that even after all the cuss words and tears (and maybe even broken things that one time) I honestly feel a little silly for even thinking life might be better if we were a smaller family because…well, obviously. ;)

You are such a great family and such amazing parents. I (personally) think it's great you're having another because that's one more kid that will be parented by two people who freakin' know how to parent! Hang in there. The emotions will go up and down (hello hormones!) but your excitement will just build and build as you get closer! ENJOY!

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2 Karey April 22, 2014 at 9:23 pm

ps – apparently I have a written-word-goal I need to meet each day, hence the freakishly long comment. Please excuse.

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3 Lilmissrysmama April 23, 2014 at 12:23 pm

Karey you have NO idea how much your words (yes all of them) mean to me. They were just what I needed to hear. You have an amazing family and I never would have thought you'd had those same crazy feelings I did so THANK YOU for letting me know that I'm not alone and that there's hope for me yet. :) xo

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4 Erin April 23, 2014 at 11:36 am

I'd missed your "I'm pregnant" post but I saw it on IG over the weekend – I'm the one who said "I could have sworn you said you were done?" The guilt is normal, even if you DID want a third … it's a whole new ballgame! And yet, it will be such a blessing, it really will – I'm so excited for you!

I assumed I'd have a third boy but nope, #3 is a girl!! Crazy. :) Maybe you'll get your boy – but another girl would be fabulous, too! Congrats!!!

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5 Lilmissrysmama April 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm

A whole new ballgame sums it up perfectly! :)

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6 Kendra April 23, 2014 at 12:05 pm

You are just so sweet and thoughtful. I was the exact same way with my second. I know everything you are feeling and I know how much you love and want that little baby despite it all. When I found out I was pregnant when I wasn't expecting or wishing to be, I fell to my knees and bawled. I cried because I was thinking "Oh SHIT," I cried because I wanted the life inside of me to thrive and I wanted it protected, I cried because I was scared, happy, embarrassed, you name it. It was a roller coaster but now I look at my daughter and I can't imagine our life any other way. This is life, yes? It can be molded and controlled to our liking to some degree but always reminds us when we least expect it that you can never get too comfortable. ;) Congratulations and big hugs to you.

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7 Lilmissrysmama April 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Yes…all of those feelings. So many tears. I didn't cry right away, but I will tell you I cried myself to sleep that night. And the next. I KNOW I will have the same feelings of not being able to imagine life any other way and those feelings of guilt will fade away more and more. Thanks Lady. Love you, woman.

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8 Jessie April 23, 2014 at 12:28 pm

Totally missed your pregnancy announcement. Congratulations!!!

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9 Gaby April 25, 2014 at 10:49 pm

Don't sweat the age difference. Rylee will be a great big sis! Your oldest sister is similar age difference, ya? And what about Jean Paul? He's the baby of the family by a lot but I bet you can't imagine life w/o him! Families are fun masterpieces. It'll be great!

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10 CardioGod August 28, 2014 at 9:09 am

Dear KATHERINE wish you HEALTH. I'm sure you'll be a loving and happy mother.
I think that most women whose pregnancy was not planned do have the same feelings but the moment when the woman sees her little angel for the first time, all those feelings are immediately replaced with LOVE.

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11 suzi December 9, 2014 at 5:42 am

It is an enormously inspiring post. This article has very useful information. I didn't idea about guilt. Now Ii gain some knowledge about this. Thanks for share this information.

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12 BuyMedsOnline December 12, 2014 at 4:26 am

Thank you for this post Katherine! I think that it was a relief to many women who read this post as they realized they are not alone.

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