Caution. Extreme stream of consciousness word vomit ahead. And possible bad words.

Now that you’ve been amply warned, here goes nothin.

I’m normally a half-glass-full kinda gal. The “silver lining” thing isn’t just a thing…I really do truly try to live it.

But crap, lately, I feel like I’m struggling.

I’m just…overwhelmed lately. So much to do. Not nearly enough hours in the day to get them done.

Things I want to do I don’t have time for. Things I need to do I don’t have time for. Could I get up earlier or go to bed later? I suppose, but that’d leave me in more of a zombie state than I already am. I feel like there’s no winning.

I feel like a robot. Must.Make.Dinner. Must.Bathe.Children. Must.Wash.face. Must.Sleep. {said in my best robot voice, of course}

Just going through the motions. Almost like I’m outside of myself watching myself. Not ever really present.

And I’m trying…I really am. These Advent Activities I’ve been doing with Rylee have been so much fun. But then there’s the ever looming to-do list in the back of my mind.

Sometimes I just try and escape it. When I’m feeding Reese and putting her to bed, I just want to sit in there and rock her as long as possible. It’s quiet. And still. And peaceful. But it doesn’t last. That’s not an option. There’s pump parts to wash. Another kid that needs to be put to bed. Dishes to unload. Laundry to fold. Bills to pay. Again, with the to-do list in the back of my mind.

I’m tired. Andy joked with me the other day when I was complaining about being tired that he’s surprised I’m just not used to it by now. And to a certain extent, he’s right. I guess I just keep holding out hope that life will in fact slow down.

Sometimes all I want to do is sleep. Forget the to-do list, I’m going to cope by ignoring it all completely and just sleep. Screw the dishes, they’ll be here tomorrow. Sleep is what I need. If I’m rested I’ll be able to tackle it.

Then I wake up the next morning more overwhelmed than I was the night before.

So often I could just go to work to escape. But work is no better these days. ASAP deadlines for nearly every project. Redoing projects that were just done. A to-do list that keeps getting set aside because there’s other “more important” things that need to be taken care of. It’s frustrating. And overwhelming. And mostly just frustrating.

Things I normally love to do, like wrap Christmas presents, is something that I’m viewing as just another thing on my to-do list….and I’m almost dreading doing it. {FYI family & friends-don’t be surprised if your gifts are wrapped simply this year.}

I’m all sorts of emotional lately. And for really no apparent reason. I’ll either be raging upset. Or I’ll be so upset I want to cry. Or I’ll look at my family and my heart will swell and I’ll be on the verge of tears. Sometimes I think, ok, maybe if I just have a good cry I’ll feel better. but no tears come.

All I want to do is eat all the things. No way breastfeeding is burning all the calories I want to cram in my face. I’ll want to eat healthy. Then something will set me back and it just turns into an ugly downward spiral.

Sometimes I get to the point where every other word going through my mind is a cuss word. I’m normally not like this. And it’s toxic.

And I hate it.

My little family is my saving grace. My girls are my pride & joy and Andy? I just don’t know what I’d do without that man. I love them so hard that sometimes it hurts. My heart literally feels like it’s going to burst sometimes. I just want to scoop them all up and run away from everything and enjoy time with just them.

I guess I’m just down on myself. And this is a really shitty time of year to be down on oneself.