Pregnancy with a Side of Guilt

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Finding out that you are unexpectedly pregnant when you’ve already decided you’re done is markedly different that unexpectedly getting pregnant with your first baby a year ahead of your desired timeline. It does weird things to your psyche.

Shouldn’t I be excited? Aren’t all babies supposed to be considered a blessing? Doesn’t this mean it was meant to be?

But, I wasn’t excited. Or even a little bit happy. I was convinced we were being punished for something… What lesson is God trying to teach us right now? Very funny God…you can make this joke stop any time now. Maybe if we don’t talk about it or tell anyone it will just go away…or I’ll just wake up from this bad dream?

Guilt.

And what about the girls? Rylee will have to start all over again. Will she resent me as she gets older? Will this baby hold her back from being able to do things? That’s not fair to her. And poor Reese…I had so much one-on-one time with Rylee when she was little, I was looking forward to having that time with Reese. Now it will have to be shared.

Guilt.

On top of that, I couldn’t help but think of my friends battling/struggling/coping with infertility. Here I am getting unexpectedly pregnant and just wanting it to be a bad dream while they’re living the opposite nightmare every day.

Guilt.

Then of course I felt awful for not feeling excited. Needless to say I was not in a good place those first few weeks. So many tears. The guilt was all consuming.

Thankfully the guilt surrounding everything has gone away. The excitement is building. And I know we’ll be just fine.

Little one…you need to know that just because you weren’t in our plans, you are meant to be and I am looking forward to having you in our family. xo, Mama

Proud Mama Moment

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Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing right by my girls. As a woman. As a mom. And as a working mom in particular. Am I giving my kids my best every day? We rush every morning to catch the bus and then more often than not I feel like we end the day rushed and a bit frazzled with me teetering on the edge of losing my patience.

Then there’s days like Tuesday. Where I take Rylee’s Tuesday folder out of her back-pack. We take a look at this week’s homework, any handouts the school has sent home and then she proudly goes through the previous week’s work with me. To be honest, most of it ends up in the recycle bin after she goes to bed for the night but every so often there’s a piece in there that I immediately know I want to keep forever.

That happened this week when I found this in her folder:

It says “I want to be a tesher and a mom” Where tesher means teacher. The picture she drew is of herself reading to a class, and then herself pregnant.

Even though I’ve been at it for almost 6 years, I might still as a working mom from time to time. Who knows, I may never “have it down” and I might always feel like I’m struggling now and again but to me, this picture of Rylee’s shows me that she doesn’t think I’m doing too bad. In fact, she thinks I’m doing well enough that she wants to be a working mom just like me when she grows up.

Well, almost just like me…no way in hell I’d ever be able to handle being a teacher. ;)

Oh by the way…

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I’m pregnant.

Yup. It’s true.

And I know you’ve got all sorts of questions (everyone has) so to save on time, and since I’m clearly lacking any sort of creativity with this announcement, I thought I’d lay it all out there in FAQ form.

But wait…I thought you said you guys were done after two. Yup. We did. Funny how those things work out, hey? With the utmost respect for my husband, our uh bedroom life, and my friends struggling with infertility I will not go into details on how it happened but just know that yes, an “accidental third pregnancy” is a thing that can happen.

When are you due? October 4th.

But isn’t that like…a week after my sisters wedding? Yes. Please refer to FAQ number one.

So that means you’re how far along already? 15 weeks. Insane I know. I’m having a hard time keeping track of it myself…probably because I mostly just keep forgetting I’m pregnant in the first place. Thank goodness for my phone lighting up and telling me every time we start a new week.

Geez already!? So are you going to find out it it’s a boy or a girl? Duh! I’ll make that appt during my 16 week appt next week. Early to mid May maybe? {Update: Ultrasound appointment has been made for Monday, May 12!!}

Oh I bet you’re hoping for a boy! First off, sure yes, a boy would be great. But girls are pretty awesome too…I would know I already have two of them. And with our track record I’m assuming number three will be a girl as well and I won’t be any more or less disappointed one way or the other.

Well at least you still have all of your baby stuff... Ha. Ha ha. Hahahahahah…once again please refer to FAQ number one. We do have some stuff. And a lot of the other stuff I gave to family members and I’m able to temporarily borrow it back. But we will have some holes to fill in.

So are you excited? Well I won’t sit here and tell you I was jumping up and down the day I found out…my reaction was more that of somethings a truck driver or sailor would say followed by wanting to burst into tears and/or laugh hysterically and/or barf…and not from morning sickness. Once the initial shock wore off and we crunched our budget numbers and we got more used to the idea of…gulp…three kids we came to realize that it’s all good. Excited? I don’t know…maybe that’s not quite the right word. But it will be an adventure for sure!

I’m pretty sure we need to start buying lottery tickets.

Opening day!

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We walked in the house hungry, exhausted and covered in a fine layer of dirt mixed with sun block. My once white shirt was no more and my pants were covered in gold fish cracker crumbs. We all got washed up and I rushed to put dinner on the table…only an hour later than normal. But this is our new normal, I suppose. The life of kids playing organized sports.

When the coach called me to tell me her practice schedule I was a little thrown off. I had figured we’d be looking at two days a week tops, for about an hour each time. But no. Oh no how I was mistaken. We practice MWF from 5:30-7.

Wait, is this kindergarten TBall or the major leagues!?

Maybe the practices will lighten up once the games start?

Maybe I’m just ridiculously naïve?

{lie to me ok!?}

We’ll get into a new routine…what matters right now is that Reese is mastering the slide solo, going between said slide and the field I’m getting all sorts of steps in on my fitbit and of course Rylee is loving TBall!

When I asked her what her favorite part of practice was, she said it was the very end where they were “actually playing TBall.” For the record, she was in center field and saw no action whatsoever. She did manage to pick me a daisy while she was out there.

Boy does this all bring back memories...

P.S. One of these days I’ll take my real camera out there to snap some photos and write a real blog post on something other than my iPad so the photos are bigger than your thumb…but for now? This is as good as it’s going to get.

T-Ball is going to be awesome!

Somewhere In The Middle

Mostly Average Accounts of the World's Okayest Mom.

Pregnancy with a Side of Guilt

Proud Mama Moment

Oh by the way…

Opening day!

T-Ball is going to be awesome!