About 4 years ago…

About 4 years ago I lost a woman that meant so much to me. And you know what? It was ok. Grandma Peg had lived a good, long life. She had battled cancer multiple times and was on oxygen 24/7 due to Advanced Pulmonary Fibrosis. For a while, I would help out by taking her to radiation. I spent a few years cleaning her house and going grocery shopping for her every week. Then when she couldn’t live alone anymore, she moved into an adult care home. I visited ever other day or so. We spent a lot of time together. She always had such a great attitude. She was an amazing woman. She was ready to go. And it was ok.

To better understand, let me take you back to just 5 weeks prior to this day. You seem my other grandma, who had also been battling Advanced Pulmonary Fibrosis had suddenly taken a turn for the worse and had slipped into a coma of sorts. She was surrounded by family and was never left alone. I went over there at one point to sit with her and as I was leaving her room, I realized that this was the last time I would likely see my grandma alive. I never got to tell her how much I loved her and how much I would miss her and how much I loved being the one to bring her communion at home most Sundays and how much I enjoyed the prayers we said together. Her death was so very hard on me. It was not ok.

So, after that, I didn’t want the same thing to happen when Grandma Peg passed away. So, naturally, I did what I do when most things get tough and I need to collect my thoughts, I wrote her a letter. And then carried it around with me for the next 3 weeks, not quite ready to read it to her yet. When I started to notice she was sleeping more and eating less, I decided it was time.

Through reading that letter, I told her how much I would miss her and our almost daily visits. I thanked her for all she had taught me. I thanked her for listening. I thanked her for the meals we shared together. I told her how I have cherished our time together. I told her how much I admired her and how amazing and strong I thought she was. I told her I loved her.

I cried.

She squeezed my hand.

She smiled the way only a Grandma can smile.

She passed away within a couple of weeks of me reading that letter to her. And you know what? It was ok. I was ready for it. I was ok.

And today, through my tears, even though I miss her, I know it’s ok.

7 thoughts on “About 4 years ago…

  1. theresa

    My grandmother is an amazing woman. I am so not looking forward to this day. I lost my Grandfather almost a year ago and though it was his time I hated to say goodbye. Great post

  2. Gail Karlsen

    Thank you Katherine for this wonderful post. Like you I miss this amazing women myself. I didn't always agree with my mother, but she did teach me how to be strong and to accept death and all that entails. I truly hope that Rylee and I have the relationship that you and Mom had.

  3. Kelli Cole

    This was a great post and a good way for me to reflect as well. I truly think Hugh came into my life because I wasn't there to help out the grandma's. I do regret it, but at the same time I know they were not mad at me and did love me. Thank you sister for this! I love you.

  4. Lilmissrysmama

    I hear ya. There was a part of me that wanted to be selfish and never let her go. I think about her every single day still. We just lost both of by husband's grandparents within 6 months of eachother this year and it was the same thing. Grandparents just leave a mark on our hearts.

  5. kris


    So lovely.

    But just so you know? The fact that you did not get to share such a moment with your other grandmother? The fact that you did not get to read her a letter from your heart?

    Does not mean she didn't know your heart. And your love.

    She did.

    Death is never easy. For the one whose time has come or for the one left behind.

    But both of these women loved you.

    And both knew of your love.

    This is just such a lovely post . . . thank you.


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