Category Archives: On My Heart

I always thought there’d be three.

It was something we talked about long before their was ever an engagement ring on my finger…Three kids.

Now fast forward about ten years, a giant mortgage and two kids later…a lot has happened in the last ten years…especially the last 5. Three kids is no longer in the cards for us. For a variety of reasons, really. We don’t think it’d be fair to Rylee at a minimum of 6 years old to be starting over, again, with a baby. Where would we physically put three kids? Then there’s the whole money aspect of it all…our financial situation is much different than we thought it would be during those dreaming years. A third child means we’d need a new car….new cars cost money. And three kids in daycare, well, that’s a lot of money too. We want to pay for our kids to go to college…putting three kids through college wouldn’t be an option. We want to retire someday…preferably before we’re in our seventies. Not to mention we’ve already got two weddings to pay for someday.

There’s a number of people that have told us to do it anyway. That we’d figure it out. If there’s one thing about us, it’s that we don’t rely on the “we’ll figure it out somehow” rule. If that were the case, our girls would be two years apart and not four. We would’ve bought a new car years ago instead of driving around the ghetto-fabulous Buick.

These girls of mine are growing so fast. Rylee will be starting kindergarten in the fall. She can’t wait to ride the school bus. She wants to get her ears pierced. She’ll be transitioning to a booster seat before long. Reese is a crawling machine. She’s got three teeth. We just bought her size 3 diapers. Andy walked into get her after nap one day and she was sitting up in her crib. She pulled herself up to standing the other night.

I used to sort of make fun of moms that talked about getting all emotional and weepy going through and getting rid of their baby’s outgrown clothes. Now I get it. I’ve become that mom. As I go through all of the outgrown baby clothes, I hold up nearly every piece. Think about the memories each one holds. Both my girls wore these. I’ve set aside my favorite pieces to hold on to for my sisters when they have kids. I’ve also set aside a few of my very favorite pieces, like what they wore home from the hospital, to keep in my cedar chest.

Last week when Reese was sick she didn’t want to nurse. At first I thought no big deal, but as the days went on, I wondered if she was just done with it and my heart sank.

I knew right then and there in my heart, I’m not ready for this journey to be over.

It’s a very surreal feeling…coming to terms with being done having kids.

My heart is absolutely full, overflowing even, just watching my 2 girls together, but there’s still that little part of me that thinks…I always thought we’d have three.


All I can give her

After spending over two hours at the doctor office today and finding out that Rylee has RSV and the beginning stages of pneumonia, I couldn’t help but think about my phone call with the triage nurse this morning. Borderline cynical, asking if I needed to even bother bringing her in or if they’d just send us home with nothing they could do.

Throughout our appointment I was asked questions and couldn’t help but feel inadequate when I gave my answers…did she have the flu shot? No. Did we give her the inhaler at all when she was having trouble breathing? To be honest, I forgot we had it. When did first start having trouble breathing? I’m not sure exactly…this morning? So when did she first get her fever? Well, she had one a couple of weeks ago, and that’s when her cough first started…

I listened to my intuition this time and made the call to take her in. But what if I would have called earlier…would we even be dealing with this right now?

She’s lying on the couch, absolutely miserable. Her fever was so high earlier, she was seeing “flashing spots” every time she closed her eyes. All she’s had to eat since Sunday afternoon is a few bites of bagel, a little bit of yogurt, some pears and some pasta. The only thing she’s had today is two blue otter pops.

It breaks my heart to see my babies hurting. To see them helpless.

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing. Am I making the right decision?

Parenting is easy when you’re speaking in hindsight. When you’re in the moment, you’re just doing your best.

And I need to remember that my best is all I can give her.


On my heart: Beside Myself

I normally like to keep things light hearted around these parts, so this is not an easy thing for me to put out there. I’m one blessed wife mama lady…I know that. But there’s something that’s been happening lately that I just can’t shake off.

What’s the saying? Actions speak louder than words? Well, if that’s the case, these days it seems like Rylee hates me.

In her eyes, I can do nothing right. NOTHING.

Just last weekend at lunch, apparently the chips I gave her were too big. {THE CHIPS WERE TOO BIG!}

If I didn’t hear what she said, and I have to ask “what?” she freaks out angry with me.

She threatened to throw her grapes at me once because I had the audacity to ask her two times if she wanted blackberries. {Seriously people…whiskey, tango, foxtrot.}

It makes me sad and mad and frustrated all at the same time. I’m nearly at my wit’s end.

It seems like every single thing is a struggle. Or an argument. Or just down right defiance. And it takes me completely freaking out back before she’ll snap out of it.

It’s getting to the point where I almost dread it just being the girls and me. I hate it.

It’s hard. I’m getting down on myself about it all the time. One “episode” can turn what was my fantastic day into complete misery. I feel like an awful mom.

I know it’ll get better. I know it’s partly her age and mostly an adjustment to her baby sister. She’s not this way with her dad…or anyone else for that matter and it didn’t really start until it was just the girls & I home for that week Andy was back at work and I wasn’t yet. I’m sure it’s not easy all of a sudden becoming “second”.

I’m struggling.

I’m trying to put her first more often. I’m trying to get some one-on-one time with her. I’m trying to say yes more.

But it’s hard…so hard. She’s doing this all for attention. I’ve tried reinforcing positive behavior. I’ve tried punishing the negative behavior. It doesn’t seem like either works. It’s like it’s an awful downward spiral that I’m trying {not very successfully} to claw my way back up from.

I wish there was a set-in-stone-sure-fire-black-and-white way to fix this.

I’m thankful she’s not taking things out on Reese, but this behavior hurts my heart. I love her something fierce and I always will, but I miss where my girl and me were just a few months ago.

This parenting gig is tough sometimes.

Tip from Kat: Don’t Do This

So, I have this cousin.

She, alongside her Marine husband battled infertility for 6 {yes SIX!} years.

After the many ups and downs and doctor appointments and treatments, they find out she’s expecting!

Only then finds out that her husband, less than a year after returning from his last deployment and about a month before their miracle baby is due, is being deployed again for the umpteenth time {seriously, I’ve lost count how many times he’s been deployed}.

He will spend the first 5 months of their miracle baby’s life overseas somewhere fighting for our country.

And she will spend the first 5 months of their miracle baby’s life going it alone.

Anyway, here’s my tip for you.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, sit in your car in the grocery store of the parking lot and watch the video your cousin posted on facebook of  her Marine husband returning home from deployment and meeting their 5 month old baby for the first time.

Because you will bawl your eyes out.

And it will be a loud, ugly cry.

And tears will fall on your 33 week belly and soak your shirt.

And snot will run down nose.

And you won’t be able to find a tissue.

And you’ll still have to go into the grocery store to get those 3 things you absolutely have to have for the dinner your are hosting that night.

Then people will look at you funny for walking through the grocery store with your sunglasses on.

Seriously, just don’t do it.

You’re welcome.


Side note? I am in awe of the strength some people have. Military families. Families struggling with infertility. I have so, SO much respect and admiration for every single one of you.

Especially you, my amazing cousin.

For the Record…We own guns.

Sometimes, in the blogging world I feel really out of place when it comes to the other bloggers I associate/interact with.

Actually? A lot like this…

Especially? When it comes to…GUNS.

My opinion on guns is not of the “popular one” particularly among the “mom-blog” community.

I really don’t get worked up over many things. I’m pretty laid back. I realize that everyone has their own opinion on different matters and that a lot of the time, they’re not the same as mine and that’s ok. Normally, I just keep my mouth shut, but I read a post the other day, and some of the comments that accompanied it and my blood started to boil.

It was all I could do not to start typing up a frenzy in the comments. To me, the post touched on two very different aspects of guns but wrapped them up into the same category. One being people that have guns that shouldn’t for reasons such as mental issues, criminal past, etc. The other aspect focused on kids and guns and how kids are killing other kids with guns and how many millions of homes in the US there are with kids and loaded, unlocked guns. There was also the generalization that all guns and all people that have guns are bad.

First of all, I completely agree with the post in regard to the fact that there should be a better screening process for someone purchasing a fire arm. Plain & Simple some people should not be able to purchase, or have access to, a firearm. About a year ago a local police officer lost his life in a “routine” traffic stop because the woman he pulled over had a mental illness and fatally shot him as he approached her vehicle. Would he still be here today if the state of Oregon had different screening processes/laws in place? Probably. Should there be some sort of formal gun handling/shooting training required in order to purchase a gun? Perhaps.

And what about that little girl that was recently shot accidentally by a classmate because the kid brought a gun to school? Thank God that little girl is alive and recovering. Is it the guns fault for shooting that girl? Hardly. Is it the little boy’s fault? I would go with a no on that one. When it comes down to it, his parents need to be held accountable for what happened. Whether or not they should own a gun, they do and it was their negligence that harmed that girl…negligence for leaving a loaded gun somewhere a young child could get it and negligence for not teaching that boy about proper gun safety. Again, I agree with the author of the post that there are better ways that we can protect children when it comes to firearms.

So, I agree there are people that should absolutely not have guns, have access to guns, etc. And there are opportunities for better gun laws that would protect children. But, when it comes down to it? Not every.single.person. that owns a gun is irresponsible and unfit to do so.

Guess what? I have a gun. Multiple guns, in fact. Some to be used specifically for hunting {another unpopular topic among the vast majority of mom-blogs}, a few that are just fun to shoot and yes, even one for {GASP!} home defense.

In absolutely no instance are there guns just laying around loaded! In no instance does my daughter have any access to any firearm in our house. All of our guns are locked up in a gun safe. Most, in addition to being locked up, also have trigger locks on them. And all of our ammo (aside from our hand gun) is locked in a separate cabinet. And even though our hand gun is loaded, it’s locked away in it’s own safe. To be honest, to me, it doesn’t matter that one is loaded and the rest are not, because the number one rule of gun safety is that you treat every single firearm as though it’s loaded.

And when the gun(s) do come out? We take every single opportunity to teach our daughter about gun safety. Yes, even at 3 years old. She knows she’s never to touch a gun. If she sees one, she needs to immediately find a trusted adult. When we hold guns,  it needs to be held in a safe direction, away from people. If we’re in the house, or if we’re taking the guns in a vehicle, the first thing we do is make sure it’s not loaded. We never point them anywhere but where we are planning on shooting. We never put our finger on the trigger until we are ready to shoot.

Does this make me a bad person? Would you not let your kid come over to my house and play just because of the simple fact that I have guns in my house?

To be honest, if you told me that you wouldn’t let your kid come over because we own guns, I’d probably be offended. I certainly wouldn’t be offended that you asked, because it’s your job as a parent to keep your child safe, and as Rylee gets older and goes on playdates at other people’s houses, it’s something I’ll certainly be asking. I’d take offense to the fact that if you asked, and I took the time to tell you, heck even show you, that we take precautions when it comes to firearms that you would still make the assumption that your child would not be safe in my home. If anything, knowing that you, and your child, are uneasy when it comes to guns, I’d go above and beyond to make sure everything was locked away, and stayed that way, as it should be as long as your child was in my home and in my care.

For me, it’s not the guns that scare me. It’s the people that have access to them that shouldn’t. It’s the people that don’t respect them. It’s the people that don’t know how to use them properly. It’s the people that don’t teach their little ones about said respect and proper use.

So, there you have it…my unpopular opinion on guns. We might not see eye to eye on the subject, but just like Sandra Bullock says at the end of Miss Congeniality, “…I really do want world peace.”

End rant.