Tuesday night, I had the worst dream I have had in a very, very long time. It shook me to the core and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
The setting was pretty much present time, not too far in the future. I was pregnant with baby #2. I had just got home from picking Rylee up and we were getting ready to get dinner started. Andy had just called to let me know he was on his way home from work. A typical weeknight evening. Then it happened…
I received a phone call from someone telling me that Andy had been in an accident and that he didn’t make it. My heart sank. The tears started instantly. The rest of the dream was me making the same phone call over and over again to all of our family and close friends to tell them the news. With every call I made the tears kept streaming and the crying grew louder.
In my dream, I just remember thinking why…how…I just didn’t understand…
I know exactly what my subconscious was doing. Earlier on Tuesday I learned about a friend of a friend who lost his battle with cancer. I’d never even met this man, or his family, but my heart broke. My heart broke for his wife. My heart broke for his 3 young children. My heart broke for their family. My heart broke for their friends. I couldn’t begin to imagine what the wife is going through. And I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why did this have to happen to him? Someone so young? Someone with such young children? I just didn’t understand.
After I had that dream, I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Andy. For him to wrap his arms around me…however a little toddler had snuck into our bed in the middle of the night and lay in the way from that happening. I slept horribly the rest of the night. When Andy finally rolled out of bed the next morning, I stopped him in the bathroom and made him wrap his arms around me. I didn’t want him to ever let me go. As we stood there, I couldn’t stop thinking about that dream. And I couldn’t stop thinking about this man’s wife and children. And I couldn’t help the tears that started to roll down my cheeks when I realized that my nightmare was just that…a bad dream but this is now this woman’s reality. She will never be able to have her husband’s reassuring arms wrapped around her again.
There are some things I will never understand…
I don't know how people can survive that either. I'm at a loss…
Things like that just break my heart. I don't know how people survive losing a loved one unexpectedly. I just don't know how they do it.
So sad.
And I too am tearing up just thinking about the family that lost their Dad, Husband, Son, Brother, Uncle….and not wanting to even take a moment, a split second to think about your awful dream of losing Andy. I love you all so very much.
I don't even know them and I am tearing up.
Jeff and I were really close to him and his wife as well and this post is making me bawl like a baby. You put into words exactly what I've been feeling this whole week – but haven't been able to blog about. I did go to her house on Tuesday – she wasn't home (my car just sort of steered itself to their house – so I didn't call first) but her sister was there with the baby. Oh how my heart hurts for all of them – especially after being greeted with a huge smile and wave from their 16 month old when I walked in. She has no idea what just happened to her family – her future – her Daddy. Ugh. Now I'm an emotional wreck, again.
You said it exactly right…my heart hurts…and I didn't even know them. I cannot imagine what those of you that do know the family are going through right now. I. Someday it will all be clear. I've found myself praying more than I have in a long time…for him, his family, everyone who knew him, for my family, etc. obviously don't need to know God's plan…I know He has one…and that does help
I know just what you mean. I worked full-time at a cancer hospital for many years before my 6 y/o son was born and still work there on occasion to help out. I saw so many things there that I never will understand. So unbelievably sad. I'm glad your husband was there to wrap his arms around you.
Wow…I don't think I would be able to do that…I have so much respect for people like you that can do that every day.
I know the feeling…. it is hard when we cannot explain things… I have those dreams and could not seek comfort from my husband because he was overseas. However, it just makes me realize that we have to faith and hope even when we are shaken down to our core…
You are right there will be things we will never understand but I do know what it is like
Love you